On the Road Again!

Hello, folks!

It's been a while since we last posted a video, hasn't it?  See, my DSLR is in dire need of a good clean.  Poor Auntie Pentax has some nasty dust spots on her sensor.  While this is fine for photos (it's pretty easy to press a magic button or three and edit them out), it makes for very annoying video footage...so she's been having a well-earned rest from being stuck to Minty's dash.

That, however, left us in a bit of a quandary.  We had no means by which to bring you with us on our trips around Wales.  After quite a bit of deliberation, we decided to get our mitts on a Sony Bloggie Sport:

We gave Bloggie his first proper run on Sunday.  It was impromptu, unscripted and very, very wet...

...and we suggest that you don't watch it if you're sensitive to rather naughty words!  Samuel was there.  What more can we say.

Proper Road Names - The List!

Roads.  We've seen a lot of roads.  Some straight, some not so straight; some smooth and some so bumpy that we've lost fillings.  Lots and lots of roads.  Roads can get boring.

Which is why we started giving them proper names.  A letter and a few numbers don't give you any idea of the road's character - it doesn't tell you if the road is a nice drive, if it's busy, if it's full of roadworks...and neither do the names we've given them.  Sorry about that.

But still; it's fun!  When we're out and about, we like to bestow a little bit of personality on the roads we frequent...and even those we don't.  We even take great care when we name them.  It's not just a random name that we unceremoniously pluck out of the air - oh no - it's a name based on the attributes of that very road.  It could be based on its start and end points.  It could be a name generated from the places it passes through or it could be a landmark along the way.  For instance - the A477 is called Jeremy.  Why?  Because it passes through Sageston.  What's the connection?  Jeremy - Jeremy Paxman - Paxo - Stuffing - SAGEston and onion!  See?  Simple.  Kind of.

We've even been known to name roads directly after individuals.  The A4050 in Barry is called Derek in homage to Derek Brockway - famous son of Barry.  At least that one was pretty straight-forward.  Have you had a named road after you?  Peruse our list and find out...!

A55 - Dominic

A487 - Simpson

A470 - Pablo

A548 - Boat

A477 - Jeremy

A478 - Roy

A547 - Alfie

A4087 - Abraham

A4139 - Chopper

A493 - Nigel

A4076 - Hitler

A4120 - Helga

A4159 - Sue

A44 - John

A481 - Brian

A485 - Owen

A482 - Simon

A40 - Jeff

A48 - Lido

A484 - Brandy

A483 - Otto

A496 - Samuel

A494 - Julie

A476 - Hanky

A458 - Krakatoa

A489 - Donna

A4221 - Wendy

A4242 - Geraint

A4118 - Sim

A499 - Declan

A4119 - Peggy

A4050 - Derek

A4232 - Mohammad

A4054 - Martina

A465 - Andy

B4518 - Elliott

B4332 - Rose

B4333 - Perry

B4567 - Mainwaring

B4337 - George

B4338 - Mac

B4569 - Chris

B4404 - Elton

B4405 - Obama

B4329 - Muffin

B4520 - Judas

B4353 - Ceri

B4413 - Tom

B4568 - Egbert

B4265 - Tim

M4 - Agnes

Now you've had a look - can you explain any of the road names?  There's a reason behind most of them - and if you know where the road goes, you stand a chance of figuring it out!  Plus...do you have any suggestions of roads we should visit and name?  All we need is a start point and an end point, and we might just take a trip along your road of choice to ceremoniously anthropomorphise it in our own, inimitably sectionable way.

If you fancy taking a punt at explaining any of the above, and if you're right, you could win a poo bag!  Seriously...we give poo bags out as prizes.  We send them 1st class with a personalised card.  Just ask @AnnParkes2. 

Get in touch via the usual channels if you want to have a go.  Use those methods to share your suggestions, too!  In fact, we're not fussy.  You can get in touch with us about anything - we like to chat about stuff.  Especially pineapples.  And buckets.

*Meep Meep!*

THE PRIZE BOF QUIZ!

Over the course of the last year, we've been trying to educate you in The Ways of the BOF.  We've recently been wondering if any of you have paid any attention at all...

...and have decided that the best way to find out is to roll out a pop quiz - or a 'BOF Quiz', if you will!  

This will both help us determine if our tutoring techniques are any good and, we hope, make you smile a bit.  But don't think this is a test without rewards...oh no!  You could WIN A PRIZE!  Yes!  A PRIZE! (Don't worry; it's not a sprout.  That picture was the only thing I could come up with at short notice.)

We can't possibly divulge what the prize is, but if you submit one of the first 5 correct sets of answers, we'll send you something excitingly exclusive*.  We only have limited supplies of this item, but you're more than worth it if you prove you've got what it takes to be a BOF Warrior.

So, without further Apu from The Simpsons...eyes down, look in!  (And no cheating at the back.  We can see you.)

THE PRIZE BOF QUIZ!

Q1 - Which of the following is a BOF's glove compartment most likely to contain?
A) Travel sweets

B) Discarded receipts

C) £500 cash for on-the-spot fines

D) Vehicle log book

Q2 - What is a BOF's favourite colour?
A) Purple

B) British Racing Green

C) Navy Blue

D) Neon Yellow

Q3 - Which of these musicians does a BOF prefer?

A) David Bowie

B) Leonard Cohen

C) Rachmaninov

D) Roger Whittaker

Q4 - Which of the following is a BOF's favourite type of footwear?

A) Flip Flops

B) Crocs

C) Loafers

D) Chelsea Boots

Q5 - What musical instrument is a BOF most likely to play?

A) Bass Guitar

B) Trombone

C) Piano

D) Bagpipes

Q6 - A BOF's favourite food is...?

A) Cabbage

B) Bacon

C) Caviar

D) Fillet steak

Q7 - Which of these counties is favoured a BOF?

A) Shropshire

B) Pembrokeshire

C) Worcestershire

D) Staffordshire

Q8 - A BOF drives a...?

A) Reliant Robin

B) Nissan Qashqai

C) Mazda MX5

D) Range Rover

Q9 - What does 'BOF' stand for?

A) Blindingly Old Fellow

B) Big Old Flump

C) Bloody Ouchy Finger

D) Ssh...it's a secret

Q10 - Which letter of the alphabet does a BOF's name commonly start with?

A) X

B) Q

C) J

D) Z

***END OF TEST***

So - how did you do?!

Send your answers to us via Twitter (@Goleudy or @MarkTheTravel) and if you're one of the first 5 correct submissions, we'll send your hard-earned prize to you in the post.  First class, of course.

Good luck! x

DISCLAIMER: We hold no responsibility for any confusion, bafflement, disappointment or complete disgruntlement caused by the prize item.  Please keep prize item away from children and gerbils.  Prize item is not suitable for dishwashers, microwaves or shredded as a salad garnish. *Prize item is only 'excitingly exclusive' if you don't live in Pembrokeshire.

Y Mochyn!

Just up from HQ, on a slate-topped wall in front of a stone cottage, sits a concrete pig.  Ever since Coyote and I have lived in the Dulas valley, we've been rather amused by her frequent transformations.  

The other night, we thought we'd bring her a little festive spirit...so we crept up the road in the dead of night, armed with a silver tinsel garland.  Like two completely inept ninjas, we slipped it around her neck and hastily retreated into the darkness.

The following day, we discovered that the owners had not only left the tinsel in place...but they'd also added a Santa hat to complete the look!  This made us smile - it was a little bit of local teamwork ☺

Back at The Ranch today - where there are workmen currently cutting holes in the floor - I decided to search for this pig online.  Surely somebody else had noticed this charming little character?

They certainly had...

Introducing our local celebrity: Y Mochyn!

All photos © David Coleman

We'll be snapping Y Mochyn in her current festive garb at the weekend.  In the meantime, we wish you all a lovely week ☺ xx

Hot New Game: BOFahoy!

Do you get bored on long car trips?  Do you easily tire of 'I-Spy' and 'The Numberplate Game'?  We do.  That's why - after months of intense research and design* - we've developed 'BOFahoy'!

*Possibly not exactly the truth.

The rules of the game are simple.  When you're on the road - be it your regular commute to work, a skip to the shops or an epic road trip to the arse-end of nowhere, keep your eyes peeled for BOFmobiles heading towards you.  If it's safe to do so, give the approaching BOFmobile a friendly flash of your headlights and wave at them.  The object of the game is to get them to wave back.  If you're successful, shout "BOFahoy!" and adopt a smug look until the next one comes along.

Most BOFs drive with one hand on the steering wheel and the other poised thoughtfully on his chin, scratching his nethers or eating a bacon sandwich.  That's why this game can be a bit tricky.  Getting a BOF to wave at you if you're not driving a BOFmobile is a bit like getting champagne out of a sprout.

Of course, no game is complete without a scoring system!  It's pretty straight-forward - allow me to illustrate:

CATEGORY 1 - THE FREELANDER:

Not really menacing enough to warrant more than a point, both the Freelander and the Freelander 2 are baby BOFmobiles.  Usually seen parked across two spaces in the middle of a town; or parked opposite an ice cream parlour in Tywyn with a toy pig on the dashboard. 

WAVE WIN = 1 POINT

CATEGORY 2 - THE OLD BOFMOBILE:

Gnarly old crates that are owned by wannabe BOFs.  Usually missing several bits of trim from the doors; they're normally found at the head of long lines of traffic - holding everyone up as they tow rickety horse boxes through the countryside.
WAVE WIN = 5 POINTS

CATEGORY 3 - THE COMMON BOFMOBILE:

Low on chrome, high on obnoxiousness.  These can be found parked on double yellows with their hazard lights on (BOFs know hazard lights as 'Park Anywhere' lights) and are often spotted riding the bumpers of old ladies in Metros.  Also found repeatedly driving around town looking for the nearest Harrods, Waitrose or Selfridges. 

WAVE WIN = 10 POINTS

CATEGORY 4 - THE FOBOFMOBILE:

Chrome.  Tinted windows.  So much bling that you can see them from Uranus.  Think 'Common BOFmobile' but with added arrogance.  FOBOFmobiles are often found where nobody should be; like driving along private beaches with their speedboats in tow.  Also frequently seen parked in golf clubs or outside extortionately expensive harbour pubs.  Like salmon in reverse, they head downstream to Pembrokeshire to breed.

WAVE WIN = 20 POINTS

CATEGORY 5 - THE EVOQUE:

*Twitches.  Breaks out in a rash and vomits.*

WAVE WIN = 50 POINTS

(Extra 100 points if it's a snot green colour)

So there you have it!  A game for all ages; but it requires patience and nerves of steel.  Go on, have a go!  We've been playing for months now and are nursing a measly 20% success rate.  Can you do better?  Let us know...

(Remember, don't be disheartened if you don't get a wave.  Just bask in the knowledge that the non-waving BOF will be wondering who the hell you were for the rest of the day.)

*Meep Meep!*
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!NEW ADDITIONS!

We've added two new point-scoring vehicles to the mix to spice things up a bit:

1: THE MANSEL DAVIES LORRY

Often spotted harassing innocents as they trundle along the backbone of Wales, these big buggers can really boost your score.  Based in Pembrokeshire (spiritual home of the BOF), these egregious wtankers are frequently seen forcing cyclists into puddles and putting the fear of god into drivers at roundabouts.  We're not entirely sure what they carry...but having given it careful thought, we've decided it's probably bacon purée.

WAVE WIN = 200 POINTS

2:  THE POSER PORSCHE

(This obviously excludes the Cayenne; because it's ugly and smells of wee.)

Picture the scene: It's raining, so the BOF really doesn't want to take his BOFmobile out, does he?  Hell no!  The rain water might dull the chrome!  So he turns to his standby car - the Porsche.  Just a little run-around for rainy days and weekends, you understand.  Also ideal for trips to the stables because, let's face it, who wants to get horse shit on £400 Range Rover tyres?  Exactly.  Said Porsche probably has a private registration and hay on the passenger seat.

WAVE WIN = A HUGE, ENORMOUS, GARGANTUAN 500 POINTS

The Coyote and Roadrunner Dictionary

If you follow either of us on Twitter, I'm sorry.  However, you may have noticed that we use a few strange terms here and there.  Of course, most of you already know what a BOF is...but what's a 'Lourk'?  Who the hell is 'Colin' and when is a sheep not a sheep?!

In this blog post, we're going to attempt to enlighten you through the medium of letters strategically placed next to each other in some sort of order.

So get a cuppa, sit back and educate yourself.  You might learn something useful*!

*This is highly unlikely.  You might smile, though.

THE COYOTE AND ROADRUNNER DICTIONARY - 2012 EDITION

A

Aberwristwatch – Aberystwyth

Abu Dhabi – Aberdyfi

Al Jazeera – Form of freeze-dried coffee

Amazing – Not amazing

Austins – Horse blinkers

B

Bappage – To be in receipt of a text message

Barcode Cock – Bird of prey common in Powys

Bastards – Gnats

Bastards – Hard to open containers

Bastards – Traffic wardens

Bastards – Wasps
Bastards - Weeverfish

Bee Cee Io Oo – BBC Radio Two
Beef Garda - Cow police
Beough - BOF exclamation or approval

Bernard – Roast chicken

BIF – BMW or Mercedes driver

Billy – Champagne

Blow job – Hair dryer
Bob - Husky

BOF – Range Rover driver
BOFahoy! - Getting a wave from a Range Rover Driver

Boffee – Black coffee

BOFroshire - Pembrokeshire

Bollock Brain – Term of endearment

Boocicle – Eastern European pushbike

Bosoms – Biscuits

Bus – Isuzu 

Buzby – Telephone

C

Car - Bus
Charts - Meteorological Tourette's 
Chepow – Monmouthshire town twinned with Japan

Colin – McDonald’s Fillet o’ Fish

Conditioner – Shampoo

Cow – Sheep
Croooss Foooxes - Pub near Dollygalloo
Crossroads - Female weather presenter

Custard – Gravy

D

DAB – A national radio station

Daffodil – Lorry

Defrag – To occupy the WC for a considerable time

Dollygalloo – Dolgellau

Dominianos – A pizza with a free photo frame
Donovan - Not flushing the toilet

Dykeson – Sandi Toksvig’s vacuum

E

ELC – Condescending voice-over artiste

Elliotts – Porta Potties

Eye Charts – Meteorological Tourette’s

F

Face Grease – Lip balm
FOBOF - Range Rover with chrome everything

Forks – Candles

Fred – Moth

G

Garda – Sheep

Giraffe – Sheep

Gobshite – Term of endearment

H

Hacketted – Severely inebriated

Hair dryer – Speed gun

Ham Sandwich – Tuna Sandwich

Hamster – Sheep

Handset – Machynlleth

Hedgehog – Sheep

Heilo – Standard Brithdir greeting

Helga – Log cabin overlord

Horse – Sheep

I

Inland Revenue – To make one’s brain work overtime

INRIX – Weatherproof jacket

J

Jacob – Very spindly spider

JK – Rather common person

JOB – National radio bingo game
Josh - A relationship of convenience

L

Llama – Sheep

Llanheadlice – Llanidloes

Lourk – Social networking voyeur

M

Maisie – Shower puff

Martin, Joyce and Darcy – Our Irish friends

Mememem - Audi
MerthyrMobile - Any car that's a violent shade of green
Mingeface – Term of endearment

Moon – Sun

Mountebank – Complete wanker

N

NEM – Mistakenly rearranged emoticon
Number 6 - Decent coffee

O

Octavia – Taxi

P

Perversion – Method of heating water

Petes – Hair straighteners

Pop Pop Pop – Error with hotel booking

Port Toilet – Port Talbot

Post Apocalyptic Movie Set – Anglesey

Princess Anneing – Masticating gum

Prodigies – Fire lighters

Puke – Particular model of Nissan

R

Rebecca – Fortifying vitamin and mineral drink

Regan – Cigarette

S

Samsung – Unreliable

SAS – Dawdling weekend drivers

Shitface – Term of endearment

Simon and Garfunkels – Men’s undergarments

Slate – Cotton

Slate – Metal

Slate – Plastic

Slate – Wood

So Long – Type of sauce; usually served with fish

Sprouts – Weapons of mass destruction

Stephanies – Cold and flu medication

T

Taiwan – Tywyn

Tarzanespam – Sleeping pills
Timothy Spall - Jacket

Tits – Light shades

Twat – To share information in 140 characters or less

V

Van - Bus
VOD – Overweight woman of a certain age

W

Whittaker – Any man with a grey beard

Wilcox – Floral neck tie

Woofing – Not quite the shilling

Wuckfit – Term of endearment

Wynne Evans – Ten pounds of money

Z

Zebra - Bus
Zip – Phenomenal display of geekiness 

*Meep Meep!*

xx

The Roads Less Travelled

"Where does that road go...?"

Every relationship needs a foundation.  A shared interest that brings you together; that sparks your imagination, feeds your creativity and opens your eyes.  We like the roads less travelled.

When we're not growling at Range Rovers or harassing Wynford Vaughan-Thomas, we can usually be found exploring Wales.  We started off by deciding exactly where we were going to go and taking a more-or-less direct route; only straying occasionally when a concrete idea popped into our heads.  However...six months of peeking around corners and following our noses have taught us that sometimes it's just better to strike out in a random direction and see where you end up! 

Oh, we've seen some things on our travels.  A lighthouse keeper made of stainless steel.  A dinosaur in a hedge.  A zombie eating fries.  A Happy Shopper (remember those?!).  Hundreds of red kites feeding.  All of these - and plenty more - spotted during random jaunts around the country.  We've driven through deluges, nearly been killed by chickens and sheep, ploughed through blizzards and chased rainbows...all in the search for new sights and fresh outlooks.

We never know what we're going to see; and that's what makes it fun.  Not once have we failed to find something funny or interesting; we've never come back from a trip feeling as though we'd wasted the day.  The other thing we always aim to do is make people smile.  Wherever we go, we strive to make at least one person laugh...and with Coyote's uncanny knack of crowbarring a grin out of even the sourest-faced gits, this is a target that's unfailingly met!  Just ask him about the time he won a prize in Argos...

To date, we've visited 725 different places in Wales, Eire and England.  Whenever we jump in the car and toddle off in whichever direction, we take a little black book with us.  No...it's not to jot down the registration numbers of BOFmobiles, before you suggest such a thing.  We have a little red book for that purpose...*smirk!*  It's to make a note of each place we pass through:

Thinking about it...this is a bit geeky isn't it?  Oh bugger.  Never mind; at least we have a note of where we've been - so we can avoid the local constabularies should we retrace our steps at any point ;)

Which - with no regard for cohesive links whatsoever - brings me on to coffee.  Coffee is very important to us when we're off stomping all over the country.  In fact, we're slowly becoming quite proficient in the identification and avoidance of shitty coffee; something we're quite smug about.  Allow me to give you a brief critique of the good, the bad and the downright hideous...through the medium of memes: 

SIMPLY COFFEE:

COSTA COFFEE:

STARBUCKS:

TIM HORTONS:

Sadly, a meme hasn't yet been created to convey the horror and mental scarring caused by the coffee you're tormented with on Irish Ferries.  It's just wrong.

Who needs hot, sunny countries when you have glorious landscapes and a tapestry of history on your doorstep?  We don't.  As long as we have caffeine and diesel...and Ginsters slices, Pepperamis, Jaffa Cakes, Smints, Lucozade and Square Crisps (salt n' vinegar, please)...we'll continue to lift the carpet on our fair isle.  There are so many things to see; so many facts to learn and so many smiles to find; we're going to be kept busy for quite a while.  

Who knows what lies around the next corner?  We don't...but we're going to find out!

*MEEP MEEP!*

Coyote and Roadrunner: Mission Objectives

To have mission objectives, one needs to plan.  Planning takes time and effort.  Planning requires deep thought, logical reasoning and balanced forethought.

This sounds like hard work to us, so we don't do that.  In fact, we don't even say the word 'plan'.  We say 'nalp' because, let's face it, most of what we do is arse-about-tit...and that's just the way we like it!  To date, we've visited 383 places in Wales and don't show any signs of stopping. 

Although we don't have a mission objective per se, we do have a list of things wot we want to do.  We'd like to share this list with you all; just so you know what we aim to get out of our terrorisation exploration of Wales:

COYOTE AND ROADRUNNER: MISSION OBJECTIVES 2012:

• Have a coffee and a wee in every McDonalds in Wales
• Blow up a BOFmobile with a land mine
• Eat our own body weights in Smints
• Revisit the one-legged man in Holyhead
• Find the Fishguard Nearly Dead Society HQ
• Cross the water and scare the Irish
• Buy Sybil the Slate a hearing aid
• Tame Samuel the Slate's language
• Spike a BOFs bacon bap with sprouts
• Drive calmly out of Pembrokeshire
• Annihilate an Autocue with a baseball bat
• Find out what people keep in Elliott storage containers
• Find a dog poo bag that smells of boot polish
• Replace all Rachmaninov CDs with Scissor Sisters albums
• Remove the second 'L' from every Welshpool sign
• Buy an MGB and roll it off a cliff
• Bulldoze a small red brick building in the middle of a roundabout
• Get Petula over her Posh People's Tourette's.  CHANDELIER!
• Set fire to every script in a well-known media building
• Find the Holy Grail of take out coffee
• Go to Fuc...Mcflurr...Motherfu...Muckle Flugga lighthouse
• Draw smiley faces on all Anglesey traffic cameras
• Replace all blue paint in West Wales with orange Hammerite

And that concludes our mission objectives for 2012.  If you have any pointers to help us achieve any of these objectives, please don't hesitate to get in touch.  We don't bite...unless you ask very nicely.  We really, really want to find dog poo bags that smell of boot polish and would be eternally grateful if you could tell us where to procure a land mine and some dynamite. 

Thank you!