BOFtulism - Be Aware

Our 100th blog post was supposed to be an interview with some bloke off the radio, but we've recently discovered a terrible infection that could threaten mankind and, you know, we thought we should tell you about it and stuff.  We're nice like that.

BOFtulism (medical term: B0R1NG) is a particularly virulent virus that doesn't discriminate.  You, your partner, your children...you're all at risk.  It would appear that it began in the depths of Pembrokeshire, but for some reason it is now starting to spread across mainland Great Britain.  Scientists are currently testing the contents of a Mansel Davies tanker that may have transported contaminated produce across the county border, thus putting the rest of the United Kingdom at risk.

The virus - while not fatal - can be permanently debilitating.  It strips the sufferer of all higher-functioning cognitive processes; effectively leaving them void of humour and empathy.  In severe cases, the sufferer may pursue a career in politics or journalism.

We've spent weeks researching this virus with our Fisher Price chemistry lab (it's missing a conical flask and a dropper, but that's ok; we used a vodka bottle and a turkey baster instead) so we can hopefully help you and those you care about avoid contracting it and, should the worst happen, treat it quickly.  Below you'll find lists of virus hotspots that you must avoid, along with symptoms and treatment.  Please read this information carefully and print it out for future reference.

BOFtulism: Where to Avoid

The B0R1NG virus thrives in particular environments.  Through exhaustive scientific fiddling about, we've compiled this list of the areas you should avoid in order to considerably lower your chance of infection:

• Range Rover salerooms
• Opera houses
• Waitrose
• Sainsbury's
• Harrods
• John Lewis
• Boardrooms
• Golf clubhouses
• Yacht clubs
• Squash courts
• Estate agencies
• Political assemblies
• Media buildings
• Local business award ceremonies
• Anywhere that sells Chelsea boots
• Any restaurant where a steak costs more than £10
• Pembrokeshire

BOFtulism: Symptoms

There are several obvious symptoms that you should be aware of.  B0R1NG manifests itself in exclusive symptoms currently linked to this virus alone. 

• Slight drooping of the right side of the mouth; resulting in a left-biased smile
• Minimal loss of hearing; causing the sufferer to raise their voice
• Muscle spasms in the dominant hand. The sufferer will seem to be pointing in an obnoxious manner
• Cravings for salt and fat.  Bacon is usually feverishly sought
• Repetitive references to their home county
• Reluctance to be impulsive
• Uncontrollable dribbling when sighting a Porsche
• Sudden, deep interest in politics
• Territorial tendencies; the sufferer will not let you into their house
• Irrational fear of sprouts

In males: 

• A desire to wear horrendous ties
• Flirting with considerably younger women
• Hoarding of linen shirts

In females:

• A desire to bleach hair blonde
• Development of a non-existent food allergy
• Repeated use of the superlative 'amazing'

If you spot one or more of these symptoms in yourself or someone else, you must act quickly.  BOFtulism progresses at an alarming rate.  Quicker, in fact, than a greased-up pig being thrown down a park slide.  A park slide that's got Vaseline all over it.  The following treatment techniques are in order of level of infection - the first being for mild symptoms and the last for rampant infection.

PLEASE NOTE: The final treatment is extreme and should only be carried out in a controlled environment.

1. Play a Roger Whittaker album continuously for 3 hours
2. Avoid reading The Financial Times for 2 days
3. Withdraw bacon from the diet for 4 days
4. Remove all mirrors from the house for 4 days
5. Only shop at Asda or Tesco for 4 days
6. Avoid operas for 7 days
7. Place an embargo on news programmes for 7 days
8. Only use public transport for 7 days
9. Avoid exclusive restaurants for 10 days
10. Avoid golf, squash or sailing for 10 days
11. Prohibit visits to the home county for 10 days
12. Administer a sprout sandwich once every 4 hours for 14 days

If all of these treatments are tried and the B0R1NG virus is still present, consult your nearest exorcist.  We haven't tried this method of eradication yet, but it's next on the list.  If you get there before us (which is highly likely as we'll be getting drunk this weekend), please drop us a line and let us know how it went*.  

Stay healthy.

*Exorcisms are carried out at your own risk. We hold no responsibility for broken beds, ruined crucifixes or stains to upholstery caused by demon vomit.

20 Facts About Bacon

1.  More than 2 billion pounds of bacon are produced in the US each year.

2.  Bacon is one of the oldest processed meats in history.  The Chinese began salting pork bellies as early as 1500 BC.

3.  Bacon contains vitamin B1, vitamin B12, zinc and selenium.

4.  In the 16th century, European peasants would proudly display the small amount of bacon they could afford in their windows.

5.  One 200lb pig will produce approximately 20lbs of bacon.

6.  The phrase "bringing home the bacon" comes from the ancient sport of catching a greased pig at country fairs.  The winner kept the pig and "brought home the bacon".

7.  The 'Bacon Explosion' has become one of the most popular (albeit unhealthy) meals in the world.  The recipe?  Bacon wrapped around a filling of spiced sausage and crumbled bacon.

8.  Baconnaise is vegetarian.

9.  Bacon is addictive.  It contains six types of umami which triggers an addictive neurochemical response.

10.  September the 3rd is International Bacon Day.

11.  There is a bust of Kevin Bacon that's made of bacon.

12.  The formula for Bacon Cologne (yes, it exists) was created in 1920 by a Parisian butcher called John Fargginay.

13.  Bacon appeals to males slightly more than females.

14.  Pregnant women should eat bacon.  Choline, which is found in bacon, helps foetal brain development.

15.  People over the age of 34 are responsible for most bacon consumption.

16.  The word 'bacon' dates back to the late 1500s.  In Middle English, 'bacoun' referred to all pork.  During the 17th century, 'bacon' referred only to cured pork.

17.  Saint Anthony the Abbot is the Patron Saint of Bacon. (And epilepsy, amputees, shingles, gravediggers, hermits and lost items.  Busy saint.)

18.  Denmark consumes the most bacon in the world.

19.  There are varieties of bacon flavoured beer, bourbon and vodka.

20.  Bacon is the main reason why you're not a vegetarian.

BOF Bacon Collection

Rain lashed the pavements and the wind howled through the perfectly pruned trees that lined the street.  Coyote and I trundled slowly through, Monty's wipers doing a fabulous impression of the Techno Viking.  We were hunting for Smints, but we felt uneasy.

All the houses were three-storey Georgian affairs.  Their bijou handkerchief gardens all had immaculately coiffured lawns and rose bushes; ornate iron garden furniture stood gleaming against the red brick frontages.  This wasn't our territory.  This was the territory of...

THE BOFS.

Coyote floored the accelerator and aimed for a handbrake turn at the end of the cul-de-sac; we couldn't stay here any longer.  God knew what fate we would face if we were to get trapped!

As we approached the end of the road, something caught my attention.  I gently placed a hand on his arm.  'Wait.  Look...'  I pointed to a house to the right and Monty slid to a halt.  'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' 

He nodded, grinning.  There was one house that had a shed.  Not an ordinary shed, you understand...oh no.  A BOF shed.  It was the size of a garage; built from Canadian cedar with a thatched roof.  The heavy double doors were ajar.

A quick risk assessment told us that we would be safe to have a little shufti.  If there's one thing we've learnt about BOFs, it's that they don't venture outside when it's raining.  Perhaps they're scared they'll shrink or something.

So Coyote deftly hid Monty behind a row of gold-plated wheelie bins and - doing our drunken ninja impressions again - we stumbled along a wall to the shed.  What would it contain?  The excitement bubbled in our chests like Guinness-induced indigestion.

We saw it as a kind of urbex; we would pop into the shed, have a look and leave.  BOFex, if you will.  Of course, it was highly likely that we would be disappointed.  The shed might contain shelves and shelves full of Chelsea boot polish, Rachmaninov CDs and books about sailing.  But still - the opportunity to learn more had handed itself to us on a silver platter and we weren't about to pass it up.

The doors swung silently on their brass hinges and we both stood in silence; our jaws hanging loose as we gawped inside.

Bacon.  Not actual bacon - but bacon things.  Bacon cushions...bacon popcorn...bacon toothpaste.

We already knew that BOFs are partial to pig; but this was just incredible.  We took some photos to review back at Penderyn Towers; just to prove to ourselves that we hadn't been hallucinating.

Do you like bacon?  BOFs do.

Bacon Cake

IT EXISTS.

(Thank you, @Jinks67!)