Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Parody. Show all posts

Thursday, 20 September 2012

Fifty Shades of Beige


Henry flicked the light switch by the door and a slow grin crept across his lips.  She was waiting for him.  Wordlessly, he walked to her and ran his hand over her cool curves as she stood motionless in the dim studio.  'You're perfect,' he whispered;  his hot breath on her slender frame.  His eyes fixed on her, he rounded her and slapped her behind with his palm.  The sharp sound echoed through the room and she yielded slightly with the force, moving closer to the glass desk.  A deep, languid laugh rose in his throat as he walked to the desk and sat down, his eyes drinking her in as she stood stock-still in front of him - just as he liked it.  He could control her; do with her as he wanted...but not tonight.  Tonight he had more pressing matters, and she would wait.
     Coldly, he stood and left, not losing pace as he switched the lights off and left the studio.  The heavy doors sighed closed behind him and he smiled.  She would be still be there later.


'Good evening, Mr Beige!' Terry beamed as he watched him breeze through the security doors.  He received no reply. 'Miserable bastard,' he muttered to his weary colleague behind the reception desk as Henry vanished down the steps outside the building. 
'Aye.  You'd think with all that money he'd be happy as a pig in the proverbial.' Chris sighed, not lifting his eyes from his newspaper.
'What was he doing here anyway?' Terry pondered. 'He's not due in 'til Monday.'
Chris finally looked up and gazed at Terry from beneath his bushy eyebrows.  'The man's a workaholic.  Whereas we'd grab a day off and handcuff it, he sits at home thinking of reasons to come in.  Each to their own, I suppose.'  He shook his head and returned to the sports pages.
'Hasn't he got a bird?' 
'Yeah,' Chris chuckled.  'But women don't earn you money!'

Holding a copy of The Daily Telegraph over his thinning hair, he marched down the path with his linen jacket flapping behind him like a flappy thing that flaps a lot.  His highly polished, Chelsea-boot clad feet clacking on the wet tarmac, Henry Beige scowled at the leaden sky as he ducked into the car park and unlocked his bloody enormous black Range Rover.  His skin tingled as the soft, buff leather of the driver's seat creaked under his corduroy-wrapped thighs.  Rain pattered on the roof and the automatic wipers - with chrome bits on them -  kicked in as he guided his BOFmobile onto the main drag.  His heart thumped heavily in his chest, gaining pace as he imagined the scene waiting for him when he got home.  While the other half was away having her hair done or playing polo or having Botox in her bum or whatever it was she was doing, this cat was going to play.

The automatic garage door - with chrome bits on it - opened and he drove through and parked.  With a cursory glance he made sure it was closing behind him as he unlocked the heavy oak door that led to the hallway.  Once inside, he clapped the lights on and stood in the arch that led to the kitchen.  Warm light from the under-unit LEDs bounced off the chrome sink and draining board.  The chrome toaster shone, reflecting the glint in Henry's eyes.  The kettle - also chrome - glowed...as did the chrome coffee machine, the chrome juicer, the chrome sandwich toaster, the chrome percolator, the chrome fruit bowl, the chrome tea caddy and the chrome tea towels.  Hold on...no.  The tea towels weren't chrome; that would be silly.  But Henry liked chrome.  That, essentially, is what I'm trying to convey here.
     Undoing his tie - which didn't have chrome on it - he padded into the kitchen.  Beads of sweat prickled his forehead as anticipation built in his body, heightening all his senses.  She sat on the work surface, beckoning him.  Even he couldn't resist her.  Henry; the man who liked to command.  His fingers trembled as he reached out to her, her skin glistening as he embraced her naked softness.  'I've been waiting for this all day,' he almost growled.  His passion grew as she hovered for a moment near his lips; teasing him, pushing him into realms of desire that no man could escape from.  She was a temptress...but he was Henry Beige.  He would not let her take the reins.
     He grasped her firmly; her flesh tender and warm in his hands.  'Don't try to dominate me,' he hissed.  'You're mine.  I'm going to destroy you.'  Forcefully, he lifted her to his mouth.

Finally, he was satisfied.  He turned his back and walked out, slumping onto the black leather sofa in his study and sighing contentedly before leaning towards the mahogany table and pouring himself a brandy.  He could still taste her on his lips and fingers.  He sipped at his brandy and suddenly remembered the vision of delight that was doubtlessly still waiting for him back in the studio.  If he drank the brandy, he couldn't return tonight.  He weighed up his options.  No - she wouldn't go anywhere.  Besides, he might get indigestion if he went out now. That was the best plate of belly pork his maid had ever prepared.  And, as alluring as his studio paramour was, it's not as if an Autocue had anywhere else to go.

He belched and switched the TV on.  The Antiques Roadshow.  Splendid. 

Friday, 9 March 2012

BOF Bacon Collection

Rain lashed the pavements and the wind howled through the perfectly pruned trees that lined the street.  Coyote and I trundled slowly through, Monty's wipers doing a fabulous impression of the Techno Viking.  We were hunting for Smints, but we felt uneasy.

All the houses were three-storey Georgian affairs.  Their bijou handkerchief gardens all had immaculately coiffured lawns and rose bushes; ornate iron garden furniture stood gleaming against the red brick frontages.  This wasn't our territory.  This was the territory of...

THE BOFS.

Coyote floored the accelerator and aimed for a handbrake turn at the end of the cul-de-sac; we couldn't stay here any longer.  God knew what fate we would face if we were to get trapped!

As we approached the end of the road, something caught my attention.  I gently placed a hand on his arm.  'Wait.  Look...'  I pointed to a house to the right and Monty slid to a halt.  'Are you thinking what I'm thinking?' 

He nodded, grinning.  There was one house that had a shed.  Not an ordinary shed, you understand...oh no.  A BOF shed.  It was the size of a garage; built from Canadian cedar with a thatched roof.  The heavy double doors were ajar.

A quick risk assessment told us that we would be safe to have a little shufti.  If there's one thing we've learnt about BOFs, it's that they don't venture outside when it's raining.  Perhaps they're scared they'll shrink or something.

So Coyote deftly hid Monty behind a row of gold-plated wheelie bins and - doing our drunken ninja impressions again - we stumbled along a wall to the shed.  What would it contain?  The excitement bubbled in our chests like Guinness-induced indigestion.

We saw it as a kind of urbex; we would pop into the shed, have a look and leave.  BOFex, if you will.  Of course, it was highly likely that we would be disappointed.  The shed might contain shelves and shelves full of Chelsea boot polish, Rachmaninov CDs and books about sailing.  But still - the opportunity to learn more had handed itself to us on a silver platter and we weren't about to pass it up.

The doors swung silently on their brass hinges and we both stood in silence; our jaws hanging loose as we gawped inside.

Bacon.  Not actual bacon - but bacon things.  Bacon cushions...bacon popcorn...bacon toothpaste.

We already knew that BOFs are partial to pig; but this was just incredible.  We took some photos to review back at Penderyn Towers; just to prove to ourselves that we hadn't been hallucinating.

Do you like bacon?  BOFs do.




Thursday, 16 February 2012

BOFs Favourite Things

*Click image to view full size*