Thursday, 15 March 2012

BOFmobiles: Soporific Soap

Have you ever noticed how most BOFmobiles are spotless?  Not just your average spotless...but 'so clean they make your eyeballs explode' spotless?  Well, until recently this had baffled us. 

You see, BOFmobiles don't come out in the rain.  On our many jaunts around the verdant land of Wales, we've noticed that infestations of BOFmobiles dramatically drop in numbers when the skies open.  It's almost as if the BOFs think their vehicles will shrink if exposed to the rain.  Perhaps they think precipitation will melt their cars.  "Someone left the BOFmobile out in the rain..." that kind of thing.

So how do they stay so blinging shiny?  We'd never seen one at a car wash...until last weekend.

As usual, we were toddling around hunting for randomness.  The sun was shining and we'd seen plenty of BOFmobiles, but we weren't disturbed because we were armed to the teeth with sprouts.  BOFs don't like sprouts.  They start crying and run into the nearest overpriced clothing boutique if you throw one at them.  Bear that in mind; it's always a wise idea to carry a few sprouts for self defence.  

I was rummaging in the glove box for Blu-Tack to make a model of a gerbil with when Coyote suddenly caught the whiff of a Cornetto.  Remember those?  That advert with the bloke who warbles "Just one Cornettoooo, give it tooo meee!"  You'll be singing that all day now.  My pleasure.  But I digress...

...he veered off through a village, hot on the scent of retro ice cream.  However, thoughts of frozen treats suddenly vanished from our minds when we came across a gobsmacking sight...

A BOFWASH.  Suddenly it all made sense.  They have special machines to clean their BOFmobiles.  Deftly reversing onto the forecourt and hiding behind a Biffa bin, we paused for a moment and took it all in.  Initially it looked like an ordinary car wash, but no...

The suds were brighter than ordinary bubbles; they clearly contained Chelsea boot polish.  Instead of the scent of soap, a whiff of crispy - possibly streaky but could have been prime back - bacon emanated from the newly buffed BOFmobile...and the rotary brushes elegantly span to the strains of Rachmaninov's 'Symphonic Dances'.  You'll notice that the brushes are red and green.  These colours clash horribly and are therefore a natural preference for BOFs. 

With our newly-acquired knowledge, I took a quick ninja photograph and Coyote span out of the garage - leaving a bit of Monty's rubber behind.

So now we know the secret of their unnatural cleanliness.  Having mulled it over for a while, we've figured that we can use this knowledge to our advantage.

With some deep planning (drawing on newspapers with crayons), we've realised that we could rig every BOFWASH in the country.  All we'd need to do is fill the aftershave-laced water reservoirs with puréed sprouts!  That would make the BOFs abandon their vehicles and we could all drive, walk and cycle in peace - like the good old days.

So now we're waiting for a large consignment of sprouts from Brussels.  We only have a Bamix hand blender and a potato masher, it's going to take a while to produce enough purée to put our plan of salvation into action.  We'll get there, though; you can count on us.

  Until then; stay vigilant - stay safe.

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