Thursday, 2 February 2012

In Depth: What is a BOF?

Through this blog we've warned you about BOFmobiles.  We've given you tips on identification and avoidance and even pointers on what to do should you be unfortunate enough to get cornered by a BOF.  However, we feel that this simply isn't enough.

Sometimes, you may be in danger of being caught unaware by a BOF.  His BOFmobile may be in for servicing or he could've got lost during a hunt for a bacon bap.  Should this happen, you need much more information in order to identify and completely avoid a skirmish with a BOF.  This post will endeavour to give you all the information you need so you can spot a BOF at twenty paces and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE before he starts speaking to you.

Please feel free to print a copy of this page and keep it with you at all times.  The following information could be lifesaving. 


Every BOF takes great pride in his appearance.  This doesn't mean that he actually looks good; but he thinks he does.  The standard BOF uniform usually features a pale linen or standard blue blazer with a white, blue or pink shirt.  These will be teamed with a pair of jeans (never, ever tight) and a pair of Chelsea boots (black or tan).  If the BOF is working, he will probably be wearing a tie.  The tie should be the first thing you notice...because it will probably glow in the dark due to its garishness.  BOFs prefer floral or cubist designs but may stray to a Paisley if they're feeling adventurous.



Although BOFs can usually be found dining at expensive restaurants (you know the type - mashed potato and a steak the size of a button for £150), they also supplement their diets with bacon.  Lots and lots of bacon.  It might be smoked or unsmoked; it could be streaky or back.  It doesn't matter.  BOFs can't get enough bacon.  If you see a man between 40 and 50 wearing the above attire and eating a bacon bap...RUN.  Run as fast as your legs will carry you and don't look back until you're in a different county.  Or country.  If you happen to be anywhere near a space programme, hijack a rocket and launch yourself to another planet - just to be on the safe side.


Most BOFs tend to be musical in some way.  They might play the clarinet or the violin...but more often than not they can bash out a couple of tunes on the piano.  (Usually tunes you can play one-handed.  This means they can play and eat bacon at the same time.)  Don't let their musical leanings fool you.  Just because they know how to play a musical instrument does NOT mean that they have good taste in music.  Should you see a man in Chelsea boots eating a bacon bap while browsing Rachmaninoff and Scissor Sisters CDs, SCARPER.  Run to the nearest road and hijack the first car you see.  Drive at reckless speeds until you're at least 500 miles away.  Send an obituary to your local paper and fake your own death, then move to Mexico and start over as a donkey farmer called Juan. 


All BOFs are very proud of their vocabularies.  They believe their minds to be walking thesauruses; but the truth is that they disguise their lack of language prowess with an arsenal of hackneyed words, phrases and topics of discussion.  Typical (often archaic) BOFisms include:
  • Splendid
  • Austere
  • Extraordinary
  • Marvellous
  • Triumph
  • Fellow
  • Divine
A BOF's favourite topics of discussion are:
  • Their home county
  • Food
  • Cars
  • Their home county
  • Yachts
  • Money
  • Their home county
  • Taxes
  • Politics
  • Their home county
Did I mention the like to talk about their home county?  Well, they do.  A lot.  Should you see a man wearing a garish tie, eating a bacon bap, browsing Rachmaninoff CDs and talking about his home county, LEG IT.  Commandeer the first electric wheelchair you see and tear through the street leaving behind you a trail of maimed shoppers and severed limbs.  Head to the train station and leap aboard the first train that arrives.  Travel to its final destination and then get on the first bus you see.  Eventually, you'll arrive at an airport.  Board a plane (any location is acceptable; as long as it's not France.  BOFs love France) and fly there.  Buy as many firearms as you can and smuggle them back into the UK on board a ship delivering tulips or something.  Then, the next time you see a BOF, you can eliminate him.


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