Monday, 23 January 2012

BOFmobiles: Identification and Avoidance

Those of you who are unfortunate enough to follow us on Twitter may have noticed sporadic mentions of a mystical beast called the 'BOFmobile'.  A few of you have asked what this strange creature I shall endeavour to explain through the medium of words.

IDENTIFICATION:  A BOFmobile is a Land Rover.  Be it a Range Rover or a Freelander, they're commonly black and chrome but can present themselves in any guise.  The one feature that all BOFmobiles have is tinted windows.  If you see any of the aforementioned vehicles passing by, don't panic unless it has tinted windows.  If it does have tinted windows, keep your head down and do NOT, under any circumstances, make eye contact with the driver.

THE DRIVER:  BOFmobiles are driven by BOFs.  BOFs are very boring people.  They're so boring in fact, that if they attempt to speak to you, you will fall into a coma within ten seconds; such is the potency of their dullness.  You might even see a BOF before you see his vehicle.  This would give you a head start in BOF avoidance; so keep your eyes peeled for these seven sure signs of BOFness:
  • Male
  • Between 40 and 50
  • Usually blond
  • Jeans and a linen jacket
  • Highly polished Chelsea boots
  • Expensive aftershave with a hint of smoky bacon
  • Unidentifiable, slightly upper-class 'British' accent 

AVOIDANCE TECHNIQUES:  If you think you're in the vicinity of a BOF or a BOFmobile, time is of the essence and you must take immediate action.  Leave the area as soon as is humanly possible.  If this means running across a motorway or driving at speed through barriers at a level crossing, do it.  The injuries you may suffer as a result of fleeing will be nothing in comparison to the soul-crushing, vapid, tedious, soporific pabulum that will be inflicted upon you by a BOF.  Avoid painfully expensive restaurants and media centres.  Eschew operas.

EMERGENCY ACTION:  Unfortunately, some of us will be caught by a BOF.  They can emerge from anywhere.  Should this happen to you; don't panic.  Take deep, even breaths and focus.  Watch his lips move and play a song in your head.  Any Scissor Sisters track usually does the trick.  Should that technique fail and you find your eyelids becoming heavy, point over his shoulder and shout "Vintage car rally!"  When his eyes light up and he turns his head, leg it.  Scarper.  Run as fast as you can and disappear into the nearest greasy spoon or grotty pub.  He'll never follow you in there.

I hope this information will help some of you avoid the anguish of dealing with a BOF.  Keep your wits about you, folks.  Godspeed. 

1 comment:

  1. Oh so very, very true. I do know a BOF who answers your description so perfectly that I nearly choked on my cocoa as I read. A very well observed observation from Coyote and Roadrunner which, could, should (but sadly most likely won't) make it to the pages of The Observer.